So, I had a dream last night (actually, I had several, but
this was the one that stood out) and when I woke up, I immediately wrote this:
As she rounded the corner,
Linnie froze in surprise. Aaron stood
there, staring back at her. He looked
exactly as she remembered him, and it made her heart jerk. "Oh," she breathed.
He still looked good- but then, he'd always looked just fine to her. His fashion sense had seemingly improved- he
was dressed very sharply in a pressed, button-down blue shirt. And the lavender silk tie she'd bought him
that first Christmas they had been an "official" couple. The year after high school, when everything
was perfect.
Her heart ached. She had been so
unreasonably blind back then. She'd
refused to see how good she already had it when Jack had come along and tempted
her with what she didn't have. She shook
her head. "Aaron," she said,
her voice sounding thick and choked.
"Hello, Lenore," he replied stiffly, his expression blank and
polite. And her heart hurt even more at
the distance that existed between them now- distance she was responsible for. He
gave her a stiff nod and continued past her.
He paused outside the Big Boy, looking in at the "Store
Closing" signs that had gotten her attention too, and she heard herself
blurt, "You were right!"
For several minutes, she wasn't even sure she'd actually said it, but finally,
when she was just thinking of turning and continuing on her way, he faced her
again. Though she had always been able
to read him more easily than a book, there was an opacity to his face now that
both hurt and scared her. It made her
realize that she had caused more pain than she might be ready to own up to.
"I was right?" he repeated with careful politeness.
She breathed again and nodded slowly.
"You were right, Aaron.
About…about everything. Jack
never actually cared about me. Not as a
person, not as me. He…he was interested
in the connections I have, through my dad and…and through working at the
studio. But…but he…" She swallowed
hard, because the truth still both galled and hurt to admit, even to herself,
let alone to someone else- especially one who had seen the signs and actually
tried to warn her. "He was cheating on me from the
beginning. And…and, uh, he…uh, we…" She felt herself blushing with the shame and humiliation
she still felt, but she had promised- herself and God- that she would make this apology if she ever got the
chance.
And her chance was standing right in front of her now, even if his face looked
like it had been cast in stone- very disinterested stone.
"You slept with him," Aaron filled in for her bluntly, making her
blanche as her face flared crimson again.
"He manipulated me," she began defensively before she cut herself
off. Those were excuses; it was the old way of thinking. Shaking her head, she reminded herself that
she was a new person, with new ways of thinking. She continued as calmly as she could. "He may have manipulated me, but I was
the one who gave into it instead of standing my ground and leaving." She sighed unhappily.
"Why are you telling me this, Lenore?" he asked almost harshly.
She flinched. She'd always hated it when
he used her given name. Ever since they
were kids, he had called her by the affectionate nickname Linnie, or sometimes
even Linnie-pest- the only one allowed to call her that beside her
grandfather. Taking a deep breath to
steady herself, trying to set aside the hurt for a moment, she replied slowly,
reminding herself silently that, as much as she loved Aaron and valued his
opinion, even he was second in her esteem now.
And God wanted her to make amends where she could. She would do her part, and she would do her
best to trust him to take care of the rest.
"I met a lady about three months ago, when she moved into the condo next
door to Jack's." Linnie smiled
almost reflexively, thinking about the beautiful soul that was Genevieve
Garfield. "Even at the beginning,
she was never shy or slow to tell me that what I was doing, how Jack and I were
living, was wrong. At the time, of
course, I was deeply offended. The thing
was, no matter how I tried to avoid her, I always ran into her at a moment of
weakness. She seemed to have a radar for
those moments, and there she'd be. She
was never harsh or judgmental, just…genuinely concerned. Even as she was telling me that I was only
hurting myself, living in sin as I was, she also wasn't slow to tell me- often
multiple times in the same conversation- that God loved me anyway." She swallowed. "She reminded me of an old Sunday school
teacher I had before Dad got remarried and we moved to River Hills. We stopped going to church because Miranda
was uncomfortable there." She shook
her head, trying to get back on track.
"Anyway, Jack laughed at her behind her back- and even sometimes to
her face. She never stopped though. She kept telling me that God still loved
me. And I was so miserable…I desperately
wanted to believe her."
Linnie felt her heart lift just recalling the memories. "I started to seek her out whenever Jack
wasn't around- which was a lot even then.
I knew how he felt about her, so I kept that from him. When he found out, he told me to stop going
to see her, to avoid and ignore her if I ran into her, that I was wasting my
time." She shook her head, smiling
ruefully. "Possibly the best
decision I ever made was to disobey him.
Gennie led me to Christ right there in her living room one night about
two weeks ago."
She grimaced slightly. "When I told
Jack- and explained exactly what my decision would mean for our relationship-
he kicked me out. There was a lot of
cursing involved, and he very deliberately confessed to all of his cheating
over the years, going so far as to give me names- and there were more than a
lot of those. Gennie invited me to stay
with her until I figured out what I was going to do, but at the same time, she
spent a lot of effort trying to convince me to come home, clear the air, and
mend bridges." She peeked at his
expression and winced at the coolness in his eyes. "You're actually the last person on my
list of apologies to make." She bit
her bottom lip and added, "I had to work my way up to you."
He snorted derisively, but his voice was gentle when he asked, "Am I
really that scary?"
She peeked again and saw a glimmer of avid interest in his eyes. Flashing a brief smile, she replied honestly,
"You were the only one on the list that I wasn't at least ninety-five
percent sure would forgive me…eventually.
My dad, Jess, Amy…even Abby and Daisy, I knew would forgive me. But you…I know…I know that I hurt you most of
all." She met his eyes
reluctantly. "I needed time, to
prepare myself in case you didn't.
Forgive me."
This is a scene that was actually inspired by my dream. It wasn't in my dream. It was just filled in as I wrote it. Feedback?
Questions? Comments? Anyone?
Also, this is my new motivational tool:
It pops up every time I log onto my computer now. It is, by far, the most perfect desktop wallpaper EVER!
Oh! I should totally make a list of movies that "defined" my childhood!
