Mikazuki - Sayuri (Eng Sub + Romaji) [Ranpo Kitan: Game of Laplace ED] Full

Because...

This.

Also this.  Because it made me giggle.

People pleasing is a dead-end street.

Have you ever noticed that when you attempt to please everybody, you end up pleasing no one and making yourself feel like utter crap?  I've been noticing that a lot lately.  Every time I try to do something right, it somehow ends up coming out wrong for somebody and then I feel...

I've been thinking recently, about things I haven't thought about in a while. 

There are things about Christianity that I don't believe in.  I don't believe that people have any right to decide or dictate how other people ought to believe.  I've been falling into the trap too many of us fall into: that following our way makes us better than everybody else.  We're not.  Actually, if you think about it, we're worse.  We have assured salvation.  We have the Holy Spirit living inside our bodies- and yet, we're still sinning.

At least other people can say 'well, I didn't have no Holy Spirit in me when I did that! How could I have known better?'

Who am I- Christian that I am- to look at other people's lives and judge them?  What about my life- what about my heart- is better than the people I'm judging?

It was driven home to me today that I put way too much stock in what other people think of me.  Expressing one opinion would disappoint someone I depend on to love me no matter what.  But expressing the opposite opinion would lose me the respect of someone else I care about very much.  So whom do I please?  The first or the second?  Which opinion is really mine?  I spend so much time trying to offend no one that everyone is offended and I'm left wondering if, in my attempt to please, I may have overlooked my own actual opinion.
It feels like that saying, 'if you wear a mask long enough, you become the mask.'

Does anyone else's mind think things like this, because I'm starting to feel like I might need professional help!

Here's the thing

I'm a Christian.

Yeah, I know, it's not a popular thing to be in this day and age.  But it's what I am.  More than that, it's who I am.  And I'm not ashamed of it.  I'm not ashamed of God.

I don't agree with the Supreme Court decision to legalize homosexual marriage.  Maybe I'm wrong.  That doesn't mean I'll change my mind.  I believe that God disapproves of homosexuality.

Notice I said 'homosexuality', not 'homosexuals.'  God loves homosexuals.  He also loves atheists, terrorists, vegans, liars, prostitutes, witches, and every other person on this planet.  He even loves me.  It's not people he hates- it's the choices we make.

I know some lesbians.  I work with them.  Actually, I think they're pretty and sweet and smart and hard-working.  I think they make excellent friends, and are very generous individuals.  I don't tell them how to live their lives.  They don't tell me how to live mine.  I love them the same way I love my other friends and coworkers.

Because God first loved me, I am able to give that same love to others, no matter their race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation.  We're all people.

And while, no, you won't see a rainbow on my profile picture or hear me talk about how great the Supreme Court decision has been, that doesn't mean that if one of my friends invites me to share their joy, I'll rain on their parade.
God hasn't smote them for their choice- why should I?

Yes, I'm a Christian.  I'm also white and a conservative and straight.  Guess what?  I'm not ashamed of any of those things.  I'm not going to apologize for any of them either.  If you want to start a fight, start it somewhere else- I'm secure in who I am and I don't need to defend myself to you.

Just like you, whoever you are, don't need to defend yourself to me.  I'm not your judge.

So don't try to be mine.

It's been a while, I know.

It's been a couple of months, I'm sorry to say.  Things have been...well, what began as a lack of motivation sort of mutated into...this huge gap in my blogging, writing, and general productivity.

I suppose I can tell people now.  Enough people know that it's not really a "secret" anymore.  In November, I started on the Medifast program, and since then, I've lost 43.6 pounds.
Per Sarah's suggestion, I put that much weight in my backpack and picked it up.  Holding it for five minutes started to make my back hurt.
Now, I'm nowhere near the end of this incredible, stressful, sometimes frustrating, but mostly gratifying journey.  In fact, if I think about where I ultimately want to get to, I'm not even halfway there.  But knowing that the last time I weighed this was just after my first year of college...it's still a good feeling.
Also, knowing that when I get my dress for Justin and Jenn's wedding, they'll have to take it in at least two sizes...that's a good feeling!

Update

It's been a while since I last updated. I'm sorry. Moodiness compiled with a complicated work situation plus homework results in a very lackluster development of any writing, including blog entries and my personal journal.

In terms of my current class, that equation might resemble something like:

Moodiness * (work + homework) = lackluster word development

Yeah, my current class is another one of those pesky math classes. But hey, at least math only has one possible answer, no matter the road you take to get there. If only the rest of life were so simple: just solve the problem (equation) for the value of x (the secret to happiness or success or just peace).

Alas, life is more complex than any math, even the most advanced. No equation works all the time for every situation.

Sadly. 

Well, Christmas is coming and despite my plans, my 'blog-aversary' passed us by without acknowledgment (October 26, in case you care).

But first, Thanksgiving!  My favorite holiday, and not because of the food- though that part is fun. No, my favorite part of Thanksgiving was always the time spent with family. No pressure of gift-giving, just fun and games and togetherness all day.

This year, my fun and togetherness will have to wait because my dear brother and his dear fiancée have the wonkiest schedules a person can have- yes, even wonkier than mine!

On the upside, Justin and I went to see Big Hero Six on Tuesday. It was our first movie since August, and I didn't realize just how possible it was to miss my brother this much. But I do, so it's good.

A last quick thought:

For those of you who pay attention, I am working on my next book, and I'm getting a jump start on it for this year's NaNo. Check here for updates, or here. I'll try to remember to update both pages.

Okay, see, now you're just showing off!

The most amazing artwork by daekazu

I used to think it wasn't really possible for anyone to be truly beautiful all the time. Then I realized that beauty, while very much in the eye of the beholder, is less something that can be seen, and more something who his felt.

Looking at my soon-to-be sister, and the way she looks at my brother, I realize that beauty is something we give more than something we are.  That's why we're told that our attitudes and manners are so important.

Beauty that stays inside us isn't beautiful. Beauty is only beautiful if it is seen and felt and given away.

Looking at Jenn and Justin (seriously, their engagement photos are wonderful), I now believe it is entirely possible for a person to be truly beautiful all the time.

Rain, rain, go away

Seriously!  We don't live in the Pacific Northwest!  Seven days in a row of rain is just too much!  We got a couple hours of sunlight Thursday and yesterday (a couple hours total, not a couple hours each day), but it's just not enough.

Here's something gross.  I removed a tick from Pepper this morning.  Ohmigosh, I still get all gyuh! when I think about the little monster.  I found it sometime around six or so this morning when I was petting her to make her stop growling at some sort of animal she smelled/heard outside so she would let me go back to sleep.  I thought it was a seed or something stuck in her fur with sap, but I didn't know for sure, so I took pictures of it to send to my mom when the hour was less...dark.  Seriously, it did not look like a tick!

Yeah.  It was a tick.  Armed with tweezers, a jar with a lid, and some disposable gloves, I pulled the little sucker (pun intended) out of Pepper's hide and stuck it in the jar, where I finally saw its little legs.  MONSTER!  The thing was gross.  Is gross.  Can ticks suffocate?  I hope it dies a horrible death for daring to attach to my little princess and make me have to get all gyuh!  I hate feeling gyuh!

Anyway, today has been productive, right? :P
I feel like I need a shower.  With fire, to get the gyuh! out of my system.

Don't worry, I sanitized Mom's tweezers with alcohol.

Awesomeness

Yeah, so, my week sucked.  Like, massively sucked.  I won't even go into the details and stuff, but suffice it to say that this week is one of the most difficult I've had in a long, long, long, long, long, long, long (you get the point) time.

But right now, I feel...okay.  My emotional center is still scrambled, but I feel more drained than anything else right now.  I need a laugh or some mindless entertainment. 

I am so sick of rain!

I am going to finish reading some Percy Jackson.  And smile.  I will keep smiling.

Sometimes, it just Sucks!

 



October Reading List

Percy Jackson and the Olympians:
The Lightning Thief 10/4/14
The Sea of Monsters 10/4/14
The Titan's Curse 10/5/14
The Battle of the Labyrinth 10/11/14
The Last Olympian 10/11/14

The Kane Chronicles:
The Red Pyramid
The Throne of Fire
The Serpent's Shadow

Heroes of Olympus:
The Lost Hero 10/13/14
The Son of Neptune 10/14/14
The Mark of Athena
The House of Hades
The Blood of Olympus

Crossovers:
The Son of Sobek
The Staff of Serapis

Sides:
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Demigod Files
The Heroes of Olympus: The Demigod Diaries
Percy Jackson's Greek Gods

Think Pink

A tribute to Breast Cancer Awareness Month:

Because it totally deserves a post all to itself!!!

Counting blessings

There are times that I wonder if my mind is even normal. And then there are times I know it's not. 

Like today.

My big 'thank you' to God today is that Justin is a boy and that I have no step-sisters.

Seriously?

Who is grateful for things like that?  Who actively thanks God that their brother is a brother? That he's healthy, yeah. That he's happy, no question. 

But that he's a he?

Weird.

I dunno. I was just having strange thoughts. Like, what if Dad had had a daughter when he and Mom got married? Well, not only would I not be his parents' only granddaughter, I also might have ended up being jealous of my stepsister. Who wants to be jealous of their stepsister?

And what if she'd been prettier than me? Or skinnier? I wouldn't have just been jealous, I may actually have needed up hating her!

I mean, really, who the heck thinks these kinds of what ifs?  I don't have a stepsister, so what's the point of worrying about how I might have hated her if I had one and she was prettier than me?

You see why I question whether or not my mind works normally.

The real truth is...

Wow, I haven't really updated much this month, have I?

Well, the honest truth is, I'm still rather down.  I know, it's been more than a month, and the funeral/memorial came and went.  But I still find myself bursting into tears at random moments when something, some little, inconsequential thing, triggers a memory.
Last Thursday, it was "Ain't She Sweet" on the radio (for those of you who don't get it, it's a song from the forties that we used to sing every time we had music therapy.  One of her favorite songs.).

I'm looking forward to Wednesday this week.  My dear, sweet soon-to-be sister has made an appointment to look at (and I assume, try on) bridesmaid dresses.  I've been looking forward to that news since April!

I went out with a new friend on Friday night, so I'm being sociable.  That news should come as something of a relief to those of you who think I'm becoming a hermit (you know who you are :-P).  We went and walked around Bayshore for a while.  Had some spirited conversation.

Dad helped me update (and upgrade) my resume.  That was fun.  I can now proudly tell all the prospective employers in the world that I am a published author.
That was one of the best feelings I've ever felt.

But right now, I'm coming off a fifteen hour shift (yikes, right?) and need some sleep.  The glamor of a job in "intensive customer service".

Dog days

All my problems would be solved if I would just stop letting the dog sleep on the bed with me...

• She's like a little furnace, so letting her sleep with me always means I'm too hot.  So then I throw the covers off and my arms, nose, and feet freeze (everything not covered by my nightgown).
• She's a very aggressive cuddler.  She situates herself so that she's pressed so tightly against my back or stomach that I inevitably roll away from her a little bit to try to get some room.  She then moves closer again.  And before you know it, I roll off the edge of the bed- asleep- and she looks down at me like 'why do you want to sleep down there?'
• She sheds everywhere.  I kid you not.  Every night before I let her up on the bed, I brush her out and then use the lint roller on her back.  And every morning, I've got a new carpet of shedded fur on the blankets.  Also the pillows.  And my clothes.  And my skin.  And sometimes, if I'm really unlucky, in my mouth.

So yes, all of my problems would be solved if I made her sleep on the floor like she does when I'm not the one watching her.
But then she looks at me with those eyes that ask 'don't you love me anymore?' and I cave.  I fold.  I invite her up onto the bed and give her a thorough petting to reassure her that yes, I still love her.

And they say cats are the manipulators!

Title Day!

I'm more comfortable with my mind in another world.
I've met people who think I get too into things like movies or books.  They label me as weird or nerdy.  They don't understand how my mind works.

For most people, for normal people, they watch a movie and it's a fun, temporary escape from reality.  Emphasis on temporary.  They read a book and are able to keep themselves mentally separated from the other worlds revealed in the pages.  Their "adventure" lasts from cover to cover.

For me, I watch a movie, and my mind is filled with the possibilities.  Like "what might happen if the characters did this and this as opposed to that?"  I wonder at their real motivations, especially if there is no discussion of why within the movie itself.  I read a book, and my mind gets to know that world as well as it knows this one.

I know my mind works differently from others.  Shoot, I see a story in everything I come across during a typical day.  A sunbeam through rainclouds turns into an introspective scene.  A Woman walking her dog becomes a "voice of reason" character within my narrative.  A book display at the store becomes a fun moment of interaction between protagonists.  There is literally a story everywhere.

So you know what?  Call me a nerd.  Call me weird, call me crazy.  I am unique, and God made me this way, so I must have stories worth telling.

Labels don't bother me anymore. :)

When a Seventeen Second Miracle turns into a personal nightmare...

So...remember when I told you about the conversation with a stranger that I had a couple days ago?

Turns out, while we were standing there talking, I was basically a mosquito buffet- a free buffet, at that.  I have fourteen (yes, FOURTEEN bites on my legs- two of which are on my right foot; heel and instep, thank you very much) and one on my left arm.  I have been itching for two days! 

And while last night at work, all the sweating I was doing in the ridiculous heat kind of kept them from itching too badly, last night in bed, I was manic.  The ones on my feet actually hurt they itch so badly.
I'm just grateful there aren't more of them.

Cool shower and an oatmeal wash (no, I mean body wash, thank you, not soaking in oatmeal) helped for a couple hours last night, so I'm going to try that again today.
After the anti-itch cream wears off and the silly dog stops barking at the empty tree (and yes, it is empty.  I prodded every branch with a stick and nothing fell out except the crab-cherries).

Isn't summer over yet?

Little PSA

I don't care how 'good' a friend you are, telling a depressed person, "But you have so much going for you" or "You should be thankful" or "You have so much to be grateful for, how could you be depressed?" is NOT helpful, good, or kind.

In fact, if you've said any of those or similar things to a depressed- or heaven forbid, a suicidal- person, you are not only guilty of cruelty, you may also be guilty of making it worse.

Watch your mouth.  Stop trying to 'figure it out'.  Be glad you're not depressed if you must, but don't project your limited experience onto those who challenge it.  Depression is real, it is debilitating, and it is an illness.
If it's not something you suffer from, that's a blessing for you.  That doesn't make it any less real for those who do.

Seventeen Second Miracle: Conversation with a Stranger

It started with a comment about a purse.

It ended an hour later.

There was nothing profound in it.  I didn't make a lifelong friend.  I honestly had to struggle to even remember her name.  We talked about her conflicts with her manager at work and about our similar outlook on men and faith and sex.  We didn't exchange numbers or email addresses, and if I ever see her again, maybe neither of us will recognize the other.

But for that hour, she and I connected in a very human way.  We related.  A conversation has the potential to be an intimate, spiritual experience.  Not because all we talk about is God.  But because the spirit inside the two people involved connect in a significant way.

So today, that was my Seventeen Second Miracle.

Because I wasn't the one who commented on the purse.  She didn't even have one.  In fact, I was trying to keep my head down and avoid small talk (I hate making small talk).  But her efforts at engaging me in conversation made for an enjoyable hour spent being social- an opportunity someone like me doesn't often get.