So, I had a dream last night (actually, I had several, but
this was the one that stood out) and when I woke up, I immediately wrote this:
As she rounded the corner,
Linnie froze in surprise. Aaron stood
there, staring back at her. He looked
exactly as she remembered him, and it made her heart jerk. "Oh," she breathed.
He still looked good- but then, he'd always looked just fine to her. His fashion sense had seemingly improved- he was dressed very sharply in a pressed, button-down blue shirt. And the lavender silk tie she'd bought him that first Christmas they had been an "official" couple. The year after high school, when everything was perfect.
Her heart ached. She had been so unreasonably blind back then. She'd refused to see how good she already had it when Jack had come along and tempted her with what she didn't have. She shook her head. "Aaron," she said, her voice sounding thick and choked.
"Hello, Lenore," he replied stiffly, his expression blank and polite. And her heart hurt even more at the distance that existed between them now- distance she was responsible for. He gave her a stiff nod and continued past her. He paused outside the Big Boy, looking in at the "Store Closing" signs that had gotten her attention too, and she heard herself blurt, "You were right!"
For several minutes, she wasn't even sure she'd actually said it, but finally, when she was just thinking of turning and continuing on her way, he faced her again. Though she had always been able to read him more easily than a book, there was an opacity to his face now that both hurt and scared her. It made her realize that she had caused more pain than she might be ready to own up to.
"I was right?" he repeated with careful politeness.
She breathed again and nodded slowly. "You were right, Aaron. About…about everything. Jack never actually cared about me. Not as a person, not as me. He…he was interested in the connections I have, through my dad and…and through working at the studio. But…but he…" She swallowed hard, because the truth still both galled and hurt to admit, even to herself, let alone to someone else- especially one who had seen the signs and actually tried to warn her. "He was cheating on me from the beginning. And…and, uh, he…uh, we…" She felt herself blushing with the shame and humiliation she still felt, but she had promised- herself and God- that she would make this apology if she ever got the chance.
And her chance was standing right in front of her now, even if his face looked like it had been cast in stone- very disinterested stone.
"You slept with him," Aaron filled in for her bluntly, making her blanche as her face flared crimson again.
"He manipulated me," she began defensively before she cut herself off. Those were excuses; it was the old way of thinking. Shaking her head, she reminded herself that she was a new person, with new ways of thinking. She continued as calmly as she could. "He may have manipulated me, but I was the one who gave into it instead of standing my ground and leaving." She sighed unhappily.
"Why are you telling me this, Lenore?" he asked almost harshly.
She flinched. She'd always hated it when he used her given name. Ever since they were kids, he had called her by the affectionate nickname Linnie, or sometimes even Linnie-pest- the only one allowed to call her that beside her grandfather. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, trying to set aside the hurt for a moment, she replied slowly, reminding herself silently that, as much as she loved Aaron and valued his opinion, even he was second in her esteem now. And God wanted her to make amends where she could. She would do her part, and she would do her best to trust him to take care of the rest.
"I met a lady about three months ago, when she moved into the condo next door to Jack's." Linnie smiled almost reflexively, thinking about the beautiful soul that was Genevieve Garfield. "Even at the beginning, she was never shy or slow to tell me that what I was doing, how Jack and I were living, was wrong. At the time, of course, I was deeply offended. The thing was, no matter how I tried to avoid her, I always ran into her at a moment of weakness. She seemed to have a radar for those moments, and there she'd be. She was never harsh or judgmental, just…genuinely concerned. Even as she was telling me that I was only hurting myself, living in sin as I was, she also wasn't slow to tell me- often multiple times in the same conversation- that God loved me anyway." She swallowed. "She reminded me of an old Sunday school teacher I had before Dad got remarried and we moved to River Hills. We stopped going to church because Miranda was uncomfortable there." She shook her head, trying to get back on track. "Anyway, Jack laughed at her behind her back- and even sometimes to her face. She never stopped though. She kept telling me that God still loved me. And I was so miserable…I desperately wanted to believe her."
Linnie felt her heart lift just recalling the memories. "I started to seek her out whenever Jack wasn't around- which was a lot even then. I knew how he felt about her, so I kept that from him. When he found out, he told me to stop going to see her, to avoid and ignore her if I ran into her, that I was wasting my time." She shook her head, smiling ruefully. "Possibly the best decision I ever made was to disobey him. Gennie led me to Christ right there in her living room one night about two weeks ago."
She grimaced slightly. "When I told Jack- and explained exactly what my decision would mean for our relationship- he kicked me out. There was a lot of cursing involved, and he very deliberately confessed to all of his cheating over the years, going so far as to give me names- and there were more than a lot of those. Gennie invited me to stay with her until I figured out what I was going to do, but at the same time, she spent a lot of effort trying to convince me to come home, clear the air, and mend bridges." She peeked at his expression and winced at the coolness in his eyes. "You're actually the last person on my list of apologies to make." She bit her bottom lip and added, "I had to work my way up to you."
He snorted derisively, but his voice was gentle when he asked, "Am I really that scary?"
She peeked again and saw a glimmer of avid interest in his eyes. Flashing a brief smile, she replied honestly, "You were the only one on the list that I wasn't at least ninety-five percent sure would forgive me…eventually. My dad, Jess, Amy…even Abby and Daisy, I knew would forgive me. But you…I know…I know that I hurt you most of all." She met his eyes reluctantly. "I needed time, to prepare myself in case you didn't. Forgive me."
He still looked good- but then, he'd always looked just fine to her. His fashion sense had seemingly improved- he was dressed very sharply in a pressed, button-down blue shirt. And the lavender silk tie she'd bought him that first Christmas they had been an "official" couple. The year after high school, when everything was perfect.
Her heart ached. She had been so unreasonably blind back then. She'd refused to see how good she already had it when Jack had come along and tempted her with what she didn't have. She shook her head. "Aaron," she said, her voice sounding thick and choked.
"Hello, Lenore," he replied stiffly, his expression blank and polite. And her heart hurt even more at the distance that existed between them now- distance she was responsible for. He gave her a stiff nod and continued past her. He paused outside the Big Boy, looking in at the "Store Closing" signs that had gotten her attention too, and she heard herself blurt, "You were right!"
For several minutes, she wasn't even sure she'd actually said it, but finally, when she was just thinking of turning and continuing on her way, he faced her again. Though she had always been able to read him more easily than a book, there was an opacity to his face now that both hurt and scared her. It made her realize that she had caused more pain than she might be ready to own up to.
"I was right?" he repeated with careful politeness.
She breathed again and nodded slowly. "You were right, Aaron. About…about everything. Jack never actually cared about me. Not as a person, not as me. He…he was interested in the connections I have, through my dad and…and through working at the studio. But…but he…" She swallowed hard, because the truth still both galled and hurt to admit, even to herself, let alone to someone else- especially one who had seen the signs and actually tried to warn her. "He was cheating on me from the beginning. And…and, uh, he…uh, we…" She felt herself blushing with the shame and humiliation she still felt, but she had promised- herself and God- that she would make this apology if she ever got the chance.
And her chance was standing right in front of her now, even if his face looked like it had been cast in stone- very disinterested stone.
"You slept with him," Aaron filled in for her bluntly, making her blanche as her face flared crimson again.
"He manipulated me," she began defensively before she cut herself off. Those were excuses; it was the old way of thinking. Shaking her head, she reminded herself that she was a new person, with new ways of thinking. She continued as calmly as she could. "He may have manipulated me, but I was the one who gave into it instead of standing my ground and leaving." She sighed unhappily.
"Why are you telling me this, Lenore?" he asked almost harshly.
She flinched. She'd always hated it when he used her given name. Ever since they were kids, he had called her by the affectionate nickname Linnie, or sometimes even Linnie-pest- the only one allowed to call her that beside her grandfather. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, trying to set aside the hurt for a moment, she replied slowly, reminding herself silently that, as much as she loved Aaron and valued his opinion, even he was second in her esteem now. And God wanted her to make amends where she could. She would do her part, and she would do her best to trust him to take care of the rest.
"I met a lady about three months ago, when she moved into the condo next door to Jack's." Linnie smiled almost reflexively, thinking about the beautiful soul that was Genevieve Garfield. "Even at the beginning, she was never shy or slow to tell me that what I was doing, how Jack and I were living, was wrong. At the time, of course, I was deeply offended. The thing was, no matter how I tried to avoid her, I always ran into her at a moment of weakness. She seemed to have a radar for those moments, and there she'd be. She was never harsh or judgmental, just…genuinely concerned. Even as she was telling me that I was only hurting myself, living in sin as I was, she also wasn't slow to tell me- often multiple times in the same conversation- that God loved me anyway." She swallowed. "She reminded me of an old Sunday school teacher I had before Dad got remarried and we moved to River Hills. We stopped going to church because Miranda was uncomfortable there." She shook her head, trying to get back on track. "Anyway, Jack laughed at her behind her back- and even sometimes to her face. She never stopped though. She kept telling me that God still loved me. And I was so miserable…I desperately wanted to believe her."
Linnie felt her heart lift just recalling the memories. "I started to seek her out whenever Jack wasn't around- which was a lot even then. I knew how he felt about her, so I kept that from him. When he found out, he told me to stop going to see her, to avoid and ignore her if I ran into her, that I was wasting my time." She shook her head, smiling ruefully. "Possibly the best decision I ever made was to disobey him. Gennie led me to Christ right there in her living room one night about two weeks ago."
She grimaced slightly. "When I told Jack- and explained exactly what my decision would mean for our relationship- he kicked me out. There was a lot of cursing involved, and he very deliberately confessed to all of his cheating over the years, going so far as to give me names- and there were more than a lot of those. Gennie invited me to stay with her until I figured out what I was going to do, but at the same time, she spent a lot of effort trying to convince me to come home, clear the air, and mend bridges." She peeked at his expression and winced at the coolness in his eyes. "You're actually the last person on my list of apologies to make." She bit her bottom lip and added, "I had to work my way up to you."
He snorted derisively, but his voice was gentle when he asked, "Am I really that scary?"
She peeked again and saw a glimmer of avid interest in his eyes. Flashing a brief smile, she replied honestly, "You were the only one on the list that I wasn't at least ninety-five percent sure would forgive me…eventually. My dad, Jess, Amy…even Abby and Daisy, I knew would forgive me. But you…I know…I know that I hurt you most of all." She met his eyes reluctantly. "I needed time, to prepare myself in case you didn't. Forgive me."
This is a scene that was actually inspired by my dream. It wasn't in my dream. It was just filled in as I wrote it. Feedback?
Questions? Comments? Anyone?
Also, this is my new motivational tool:
It pops up every time I log onto my computer now. It is, by far, the most perfect desktop wallpaper EVER!
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