Words: 20,283 and counting

My 2011 NaNo "iconitar" by Yampuff

I haven't updated the word count since I started typing again.  I updated my word count yesterday to reflect what I'd already written.  Now I'm editing the first seven chapters before I go and continue the story.
What's really funny to me about this story that I'm working on for NaNoWriMo this year is that it's supposed to be a ChickLit genre story (with heavy Christian influence), but I still haven't figured out what to name the main character's eventual love interest.  What's even funnier is that she doesn't even meet him until chapter (I think) six or seven, and even then, not for long enough to get an introduction- he just sees her talking crazy to herself while out on a biking trail one afternoon.
And actually, this story is flowing out of me better than the other ones did.  Oh, I haven't given up on them, never fear.  But this one...somehow, it's more personal.  I can't wait to finish it.  The story, not just my 50,000 minimum word count.
Wish me luck!

Terminology of memory

I shot the bullet that belonged to this casing. :)

It's kind of amazing the amount of memory you can get from an object.  I made it to Quest's End, and aside from the story itself, the memories attached to that book are pretty prodigious.  When I was in eighth grade, I took it to school with me once, and it was stolen out of my backpack by a couple of bullies.  They hid it in my science teacher's classroom to make me cry.  I actually bought a new version before my science teacher found it.
No one punished the bullies for that.  Actually, they weren't punished until much later, for something else.
It's weird, the memories I have of middle school hell that are attached to the most seemingly random things.  Those two bullies were eventually punished when I finally snapped and dumped a beaker full of water on one of their heads because they just wouldn't let up.
What's weird?  I never really thought of myself as being bullied, even when I was physically attacked and constantly ridiculed.  Even now, it's hard for me to attach the term "bullied" to myself.  Huh.
I guess I really am learning to come to terms with who I am.

Thoughts with associated feelings



I sometimes find myself doing a lot more thinking than I should.  And other times, I find myself thinking a lot less than is probably safe.  In short, I am prone both to overthinking and avoidance.  An interesting combination, and potentially disastrous when it comes to how I divide those up.
I tend to overthink the good things and completely avoid the unpleasant and stressful.  Not exactly a grown-up way of handling things.
I ran into my ex-boyfriend at Walmart the other day, and we ended up having a long conversation outside after we ran into each other.  We talked about all sorts of things.  This conversation was actually pretty dangerous- for me anyway.  He's not a Christian, you see.  So we don't share the same ideals.  When we broke up, that was a major part of why I felt that we needed to break up.
The conversation itself wasn't all that dangerous, except that it was light and fun and mildly (on my part, at least) flirtatious.
Which is dangerous because in flirtations, emotions can easily get tangled up without that intention.  He's a sweet guy, and there's nothing wrong with him.  I just don't want to get over-involved.
It's sad.  I would normally talk to my sister about this, but she's not available at the moment.  She's the kind of Christian I want to be, off following God's leading in her life.  She's going to touch lives here and overseas.  And I'm just going to keep missing her.
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying being single.  It's a liberating experience, actually, to know that your happiness is not dependent on someone else, nor is someone else's happiness dependent on you.  And I have been learning about who I am without someone else to fog things up.
For instance, I am not a patient person by nature, but I have learned to be patient.  I learned patience from a former client of mine.  She showed me that a small sacrifice of patience now outweighs a load of guilt for impatience later.
Also, I lack what most people call ambition.  My highest ambition in life is to do what I'm doing now.  Sounds pretty good to me.
Sure, I want to fall in love, I want to get married.  But I don't need to do that now.  And, something it's taken me until now to admit: I am fine by myself.  I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person again.
I never thought I'd be able to admit that.  And maybe a public forum isn't the wisest place to do so.  Especially since my father might actually read my blogs...
If you're reading this, Dad, I love you.  :)

Who wouldn't love that face?

I started reading The Kingdom by Bryan Litfin, which is the concluding volume of the Chiveis trilogy.  What really gets me about this trilogy- besides its obviously Christian roots- is that nothing happens the way you expect it to.  Half the time, I spend in a fog of worry that the dark powers are actually going to prevail.  Reading The Gift (immediately preceding The Kingdom) was a lesson in patience in and of itself; I had to keep setting the book aside so I could breathe.  I actually almost stopped reading it altogether once.
Today, I may be thankful for the abundance and availability of food (see my list), but I'm also thankful for the God-given, God-led imagination of others.  I may never publish a novel or even write one I let others read.  But I will always look up to authors who wrote what God gave to them to write, and then shared it with the rest of us.

When thoughts provoke

Here's a thought that was provoked; today was the last message in a sermon series on fear.  The topic title was "Fear of Change that Threatens Security".  Now, most anyone who knows me knows that I abhor change.  Not just change that threatens security, but change, period.  I like having things the same.
What really stuck in my attention for the sermon is this: "Trusting God does not remove the ambiguities of life."  When you think about it for a minute, it's almost odd that that should be such a revelation to me.  It's more like a common sense thing.  But it really struck me for some reason.
The message used as its illustration the book of Habbakuk, the whole three chapters of it.  What I enjoy about that book is that it is an actual conversation.  Between God and the prophet.  It deals with the changes happening and those needing to happen in Israel at the time, but I noticed something during the reading of the chosen verses today: Habbakuk is a message to Americans at the current point in history.  I don't think I've ever noticed that before, or  if I did, it's not something I wanted to dwell on too closely.  Because...remember how all those "superior" societies actually fared in Biblical times?  That's not exactly a pleasant direction to be headed in, hey?
But it does make you think.  Here's another point to consider, from Leo Tolstoy to my pastor, to you: "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
The thing is, not all changes have to be immediate or startlingly dramatic.  That's the kind of change I hate.  I hate the ones that come suddenly and change everything.  But I am coming to discover that not all changes are like that.  Sometimes the best changes come slowly and gradually; one day you wake up and realize that your life is different, your character is different, but there's no way to pinpoint exactly when it happened.
Praise God for that.
Today, in case you don't know, is the International Day of Prayer.  Today is a day for B.A.S.I.C. prayers.  It stands for Brothers And Sisters In Chains.  We're supposed to pray for the persecuted Christians the world over. 
You don't often see a lot of overt Christian persecution in America, but it is a fact of life in many countries.  And it is threatening to become more common even here.
Faith and strength to those who love Christ!

Today is family photo day.  It was kind of funny.  I slept all day yesterday and woke up at around midnight.  I've been up since then, periodically getting ready.  I took a shower, then watched a couple episodes of Smallville.  Then I put on my makeup, which took a few tries because I kept extending my eyeliner too far.  And then I changed my mind about my outfit because I realized that I had worn the same sweater for family photos two years ago.  Which meant changing my makeup again, since red and black didn't go with the pink and purple eyeshadow I had chosen.  Watched another episode of Smallville.  Then I did my hair- do you know how long it takes to curl twenty inches of hair?  OMG, I don't think I want to curl my hair again until after I cut it!  Then I decided I wanted to wear a skirt, which necessitated changing my top.  Fortunately, I didn't need to redo my makeup again because I'd decided to go with a neutral color palette.
So I was almost fancy for church, which was kind of fun, particularly when I got to see a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while- I'm not normally able (or willing) to go to first service.  The past couple months I've been working an 8-10 shift on Sunday mornings, then going to second service.  Add to that the fact that I am decidedly NOT a morning person and I rarely, if ever, go to the first service. 
There are benefits, however.  Getting there early was nice, which meant getting a parking spot close to the front doors.
I miss family time, you know.  It's been one of those gradual changes I mentioned before.  I used to see my parents a couple times a week- or my mom, at least.  Now, I see them both once a week on Sundays, either before or after church, for about 20-30 minutes, depending on whether I go before or after church.  So today (and next week, which is Thanksgiving- don't panic, the rest of the country celebrates Thanksgiving at the end of the month), I'll get to spend the whole day with my family.  It's nice.
And hopefully, I'll see Justin four whole times this month!  We have two movies to hit on our "movie of the month" crusade this month: Thor: the Dark World and Catching Fire.  I am still hoping to also get to Frozen, but I don't know if brother will want to go to that one with me. :)
Adios!  God bless.

Counting my blessings- November

1. I'm thankful for my job.
2. I'm thankful for the freedom to own a Bible.
3. I'm thankful for God and all of the miracles and blessings he's saturated my life with over the past twenty-eight plus years.
4. I'm thankful for my apartment, for the sturdy roof over my head at a reasonable price, and for the security of a locked entrance.
5. I'm thankful for the cross and the message of salvation inherent in the symbol.
6. I'm thankful for the availability of good food.
7. I'm thankful for my computer, without which writing my novel would be so much more difficult and time-consuming.
8. I'm thankful for the imagination- mine, especially, and that of others.
9. I'm thankful for advances in medicine.
10. I'm thankful for days like this, spent with my family
11. I'm thankful for my mother's generous nature and her skills at problem solving (and for calming me down without making me feel like a melodramatic idiot).
12. I'm thankful for the unconditional love of dogs, particularly Pepper.
13. I'm thankful for an earthly father who loves me.
14. I'm thankful for the freedom of worship that is still (nominally) available to me in this country.
15. I'm thankful for Katya, who's been there for me, my own personal cheerleader, since I met her.
16. I'm thankful for my reliable car.
17. I'm thankful for my brother, my friend, who is the only one who truly understands and appreciates what it's like to have our parents.
18. I'm thankful for those who consistently see value in me, even- and especially- when I don't.
19. I'm thankful for the ability to laugh.
20. I'm thankful for forgiveness.
21. I'm thankful for Tiffany, who is a good example to follow, even if I don't always.
22. I'm thankful for a bed to sleep in.
23. I'm thankful that I live in a state where there are four seasons (most of the time).
24. I'm thankful for a good, Bible-based church family.
25. I'm thankful for my brother and the rare, precious occasions I get to spend time with him, just the two of us.
26. I'm thankful for my incredible good health.
27. I'm thankful for beautiful sunny days following snow days.
28. I'm thankful that my physical ability is up to the challenge of my job- even though sometimes I do more than I'm supposed to.
29. I'm thankful that "tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it."
30. I'm thankful that God loves me, even with everything that's wrong with me.

When inspiration attacks

Sweetbreeze by Elf-in-mirror 

My journaling has taken a dip since I started blogging.  I haven't missed a day yet, but I am definitely writing less on paper.  I wonder what that means.  Of course, it might not mean anything but that I'm lazy.
Sometimes, lazy just gives me time to think and imagine.  I like to think and imagine.  It means new characters and new inspirations for book ideas- which helps me during November.  When I get stuck in a chapter or a scene, I write a bit of fanfiction.  Sounds kind of sad, really, but if it helps me break out of my rut, then I'm all for it.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm obsessed with words.  I mean, think about it.  My brother barely reads.  I haven't known him to read for fun since the fourth Harry Potter book came out.  My mom reads occasionally, but she's more into computers now.  Even my dad, who enjoys reading, is more into computers now.  So why- how- am I so wonderfully, oddly, impressively obsessed with words and reading and writing.
This blog sort of proves how obsessed I really am.  I think and then I write.
Sometimes I write to make myself think. :)
I had an inspiration on facebook today.  A friend of mine posted a blessing she was thankful for, stating that November was going to be a 30-day account of things she was thankful for.  I decided to do the same thing.  Only I think I'll post a list, to keep track.  I have this thing for lists.  I like to make them for the most random things.  At least this one will mean something. :)

Running words

My first post of November!  How exciting!
Do you ever get a song stuck in your head?  I know most people can relate to this phenomenon.  It's always the most annoying songs that tend to be the most sticky, isn't it?  "The Song that Never Ends" is a particularly obnoxious one, as it "It's a Small World".
But have you ever had a song stuck in your head that you enjoy?  That you wish would stay a little longer?
Sometimes that happens to me with praise music.  At the moment, I have Jeremy Camp's "My God" chorus running through my brain like a victory chant.  It goes:
My God, you are the unchanging love
My God, your heart sends hope from above
The great Creator, beautiful Savior
I've been redeemed
There is life now from your victory
You are my God
How could you not enjoy something like that running through your head?
There's a lot going through my mind at the moment.  Over the past several...well, a lot of thoughts repeat themselves and become memories.  The memories I've been dwelling on lately are all somewhat bittersweet.  Mostly sweet, though.
When you remember someone that you love that you've lost, the memories should be sweet.  The only bitterness is in the loss.  And since I know I'll see her again, the bitterness isn't too bad- or too bitter.
You know, most blogs, I've thought, are supposed to have a point.  I guess my parents' does- but that might be because it's their company blog, and so it sort of has to have a point.  My client's granddaughter's blog has a point, even if it's to just keep her friends and family updated.
My blog doesn't seem to have a cohesive point except maybe to prove how random I am.  I write what I think and, as is no doubt obvious, my thought patterns are decidedly out there.  It's less "stream" of consciousness and more "puddle that's just been jumped in" of consciousness.
I decided a little after midnight to participate in this year's NaNo.  I wasn't sure I wanted to, since I haven't been feeling very novel inspired lately, and all of my ideas have been sort of tapped out.  I didn't even finish the first two years, even when I did manage to reach the minimum word count.
So I decided to use my Camp NaNo project from April, touch it up a bit and try to finish it, since it's a different genre than my past attempts and might actually be finished in 50,000 words.  Even so, I'll have to go back and read what I've written so far.
Here's to writing!

Something fun out of all this

I've started a new reading system.  My list obsession has led me to keep a log of all the books I've read this year, as well as what date I started and what date I finished each.  Actually, it's a lot of fun.  But I have been dissatisfied with my monthly totals for the past couple of months, particularly after a rather lovely July in which I literally finished one book per day within the month.
So, I implemented a decision to start reading a series while at home versus taking my kindle to work.  This was a decision partly based on the hassle of hauling around the huge graphic novels- the things are heavy- and partly based on a decision I made in the eighth grade after a pretty traumatic experience to never take those books to school (or really out of the house) ever again.  Only for Katya did I break that rule, since it's so hard to find someone who loves ElfQuest as I do, within my social circles.
So far, the decision is working out well: I finished Blood of Ten Chiefs, Chief's Howl, Wolfrider, and Fire and Flight in the past three days.  I started on The Forbidden Grove last night, but, as I had work this morning, I set it aside, however reluctantly, and went to bed.

Left: 1996
Right: 2012

What intrigues me, though, is how much of things in the real world remind me of ElfQuest.  Here's a rather entertaining example that I found on the EQ facebook page this afternoon:
I love it.  I love that issue of Shards, too.  Whoever would have expected Strongbow, of them all, to put his life and trust (however momentary) in the hand of a human (pun intended- if you don't get it, I suggest you go find out for yourself here: Shards #13).
You know, this particular obsession of mine is almost twenty years old.  Can you believe it?  I started reading EQ in the fifth grade.  Over eighteen years ago.  Only a few things in my life have lasted longer.  I still remember what I paid for my first graphic novel- which I still have- the hardcover, glossy-paged, color version of the cheaper paperback Reader's Collection volume of Fire and Flight: $15.32 (that was with tax and Barnes and Noble in Westminster, Colorado). 
Currently, on average, the copy I have are selling for between $35-50 on ebay, and that- along with other auction sites- are the only places you can buy them anymore.  Before they revamped the site, elfquest.com was selling them for more than $100 apiece!
It's kind of funny sometimes how much things we loved as children stay with us into adulthood.  I never would have imagined that a book handed to me by a classmate to get me to shut up would become one of my most expensive- and pervasive- hobbies.
Gotta love the power of a story!

Ranting is good for the temper

I promised myself I would try to keep my anger checked.  But it's a difficult thing to do when all you want is to grab the stupid people by their shirts and shake them until they realize how stupid they are.  Of course, I've been told that it's not necessarily stupidity that makes these people so wicked.  In fact, it's selfishness.  Democrats and liberals promise 'them' things, so 'they' support the Democrats and Liberals.
It may be interesting to note that in every single state that requires a photo I.D. to vote, Democrats and Obama were defeated. 
Every.
Single.
State.
I find that interesting.  I also find it appalling, because the implications of it are enough to make me sick to my stomach.

Here's something else that builds a fire in my gut and makes me want to lash out: there are now more people in the United States on welfare than there are working for a living.  Isn't that interesting?  The thing of it is...welfare's funding comes from the taxes collected from people who work for a living. 
Think it through.
If there are fewer people working than there are collecting welfare, where the hell is the money going to come from?
Think it through, liberals.  Think it through Obama supporters.  Think it through you stupid people who may or may not be as stupid as I think you are.
Use your brains!



*sigh*
The problem now becomes...my temper is inflamed.  My usual sure for that is praise music, but at the moment, I have none available.  Fortunately, reading is also good for that.  I have a book I'm reading right now that appeals both to the politico in me as well as the Christian, and no, it's actually a novel.
Ironically, it's about a time about five hundred years in the future, after this current generation wipes itself out.  In a kingdom isolated from the rest of the surviving world, a group of people 'discover' the timeless truth that is God's Word and begin to spread it, despite the violent and evil persecutions of their often militant state religion.
God's truth is already written.
We win.

Words That Are Fun to Say

·         Anthropomorphizing

·         Bubbles

·         Cowabunga

·         Dazzle

·         Clunk

·         Proclivity

·         Fork

·         Periwinkle

·         Paparazzi

·         Muppet

·         Pizazz

·         Kleptomaniacal

·         Rutabaga

·         Pyrotechnics

You know, in high school, I created a partial list of words that were entertaining to say or sounded funny with my best friend.  I think ‘fork and ‘periwinkle’ were on that list too. :P

 

Most of the time, the quiet inside my own head is anything but.  Today was one of those days when things finally seemed to shut off.  I think my mental librarians took the day off.  It happens so very, very rarely…  I wrote a story about them once, you know.  It was actually kind of creative.  I redefined “muse”, “imaginary friends”, “characters”, and “feelings”.  It was actually a stretch of my own writing comfort zone; I’m not usually someone for anthropomorphizing things like that (the closest I’ve ever come is the occasional talking animal), but it was actually kind of fun.  Someday I may even use it as a short story.  I seem to be better at writing those than full-length novels.

Here’s a philosophical question: when dealing with ex-boyfriends, how should one deal with them?  If the breakup is amiable, is remaining friends a good idea?  How do you deal with the awkwardness when one party was more emotionally involved than the other, but that one still wants to stay friends?

Sometimes I wonder.  I’m dealing with my own insecurity issues when it comes to my appeal, but sometimes…sometimes I have to wonder.

You know, I have done a lot of thinking, and even more praying when it comes to this sort of thing.  This whole “soul-searching” journey began because I wanted to feel like I was as good as my friend.  Selfish motives, I know, and definitely not the way to begin a spiritual journey.  Actually, I think that I sometimes feel that way.  That if I just apply myself for a while, I’ll have some spiritual epiphany that will shoot me ahead of others in that department.  It’s a very, very selfish way of thinking, and I don’t like it.

But I’m getting better.  At least I think I am.  I hope so, anyway.  I feel more together within myself, but I also feel more together with God, and that’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life.  There’s truth, you know, in the saying that everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart.  I’m kind of happy to know that mine is a little less empty now.

Some more good news is this: I now fit into pants a size smaller than I have been wearing.  And the rings that I have now fit on larger fingers.  That, more than anything else, helps me to realize that I actually am losing weight, however slowly it’s happening.  It’s been months since I started to realize that I am beautiful as I am, no matter how big or small I am.  That’s a good, good feeling.

Something my mother said to me yesterday made me think.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my Aunt Barb this month.  It being Breast Cancer Awareness month and all, that’s probably appropriate.  I think, too, I’m finally starting to come to terms with her death, which is definitely necessary for healing.  Anyway, I mentioned this to my mom, that I’d been thinking more about Aunt Barb, and she said to me “She’s with Him.”  Now, maybe that seemed overly simplistic to you, or maybe you’re skeptical and rolling your eyes at what you see as my unbelievably naïve view of this.  But those words really got to me.

 

One of my favorite quotes comes from one of my favorite books: Sophie’s Heart by Lori Wick.  In it, one of the characters- Alec- is comforting his children over the death of their mother, and one of the kids asks the inevitable “why” that crops up whenever someone dies violently, suddenly, or prematurely.  And Alec’s answer was very simple, but it puts things in a light that not even many Christians tend to look at things like death.  Alec told his children, “God just loved her so much that he couldn’t wait to have her with him.”

Isn’t that beautiful?