Thoughts with associated feelings



I sometimes find myself doing a lot more thinking than I should.  And other times, I find myself thinking a lot less than is probably safe.  In short, I am prone both to overthinking and avoidance.  An interesting combination, and potentially disastrous when it comes to how I divide those up.
I tend to overthink the good things and completely avoid the unpleasant and stressful.  Not exactly a grown-up way of handling things.
I ran into my ex-boyfriend at Walmart the other day, and we ended up having a long conversation outside after we ran into each other.  We talked about all sorts of things.  This conversation was actually pretty dangerous- for me anyway.  He's not a Christian, you see.  So we don't share the same ideals.  When we broke up, that was a major part of why I felt that we needed to break up.
The conversation itself wasn't all that dangerous, except that it was light and fun and mildly (on my part, at least) flirtatious.
Which is dangerous because in flirtations, emotions can easily get tangled up without that intention.  He's a sweet guy, and there's nothing wrong with him.  I just don't want to get over-involved.
It's sad.  I would normally talk to my sister about this, but she's not available at the moment.  She's the kind of Christian I want to be, off following God's leading in her life.  She's going to touch lives here and overseas.  And I'm just going to keep missing her.
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying being single.  It's a liberating experience, actually, to know that your happiness is not dependent on someone else, nor is someone else's happiness dependent on you.  And I have been learning about who I am without someone else to fog things up.
For instance, I am not a patient person by nature, but I have learned to be patient.  I learned patience from a former client of mine.  She showed me that a small sacrifice of patience now outweighs a load of guilt for impatience later.
Also, I lack what most people call ambition.  My highest ambition in life is to do what I'm doing now.  Sounds pretty good to me.
Sure, I want to fall in love, I want to get married.  But I don't need to do that now.  And, something it's taken me until now to admit: I am fine by myself.  I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person again.
I never thought I'd be able to admit that.  And maybe a public forum isn't the wisest place to do so.  Especially since my father might actually read my blogs...
If you're reading this, Dad, I love you.  :)

Who wouldn't love that face?

I started reading The Kingdom by Bryan Litfin, which is the concluding volume of the Chiveis trilogy.  What really gets me about this trilogy- besides its obviously Christian roots- is that nothing happens the way you expect it to.  Half the time, I spend in a fog of worry that the dark powers are actually going to prevail.  Reading The Gift (immediately preceding The Kingdom) was a lesson in patience in and of itself; I had to keep setting the book aside so I could breathe.  I actually almost stopped reading it altogether once.
Today, I may be thankful for the abundance and availability of food (see my list), but I'm also thankful for the God-given, God-led imagination of others.  I may never publish a novel or even write one I let others read.  But I will always look up to authors who wrote what God gave to them to write, and then shared it with the rest of us.